By Mira Brancu, PhD
Photo by Dustin Belt on Unsplash
(Written in the midst of the global coronavirus pandemic.)
Is it possible to become a better communicator while seeing less of people? I say, yes, if you are intentional about it.
As my husband and I have developed a new schedule and way of living, we've been sharing daily insights with each other on our new nightly walks.
Some of those insights are deep existential questions that a crisis like this is likely to bring up. But other insights have focused on the impact of how crises can bring priorities into focus and help us be better humans.
We all have room to improve. So, while my husband and I are both psychologists who have honed our communication skills, we’re always learning and growing.
I’d like to share three insights I’ve personally had, that came to me on our walks, around this idea of becoming a better communicator. Perhaps some of these will be helpful to some of you as well.
1. Being under increased stress has helped me improve my ability to prioritize and place stronger boundaries about what I agree to take on.
Under my normal state-of-being, I'm generally a "yes, why not!" kind of person. But now I no longer agree to "set up a (virtual) coffee to just talk" or accept just any new invitation to collaborate.
Why not?
Focus, attention, and times of productivity are luxuries that can't be squandered when our mental and emotional capacities are being stretched.
My abilities to focus and be productive are so precious right now.
Things are changing so fast every hour, every day, and every week that if I am going to take on any new project, I need to be fully able to manage it.
And since we continue to need to be prepared for further changes, I need to be even more thoughtful and intentional about these decisions than ever before.
How I'm addressing it:
I ask more clarifying questions up front to help me make more informed decisions.
"How much time will this take? What would my role be?"
I explain more about my situation, capacity, and constraints.
"I am currently focused on helping the hospital identify clinical needs, so my time is limited in what I can add."
I'm more clear about my boundaries and how I make decisions about new projects or meetings.
"Right now, I'm trying to focus on finishing the projects I already committed to without adding new ones unless they can help financially and fit within the scope of my priorities."
As always, I express appreciation for being considered.
2. I am gaining even more appreciation for the vast differences in people's coping, responsiveness, and situations and how important it is as a critical way to do business and be a good friend.
Some of our friends and colleagues are in situations with no children, may be retired, or are in a telework situation in which very little has changed affecting their time and focus.
Others might be in situations like mine: preteen and young teenage children at home who can (mostly) take care of their needs but still need some structure, serving in leadership positions in industries requiring significant transitions that can wear us down, or worry over family members who are considered at risk.
Still others are completely stretched to their limits: very young children at home, in service businesses facing major loss of revenue or jobs, and/or serve as essential employees on the front lines risking their health to care for others.
The range of experiences and situations differ widely.
Why is this so important to how we do business or be good colleagues and friends?
We can no longer make the same assumptions about the same set of circumstances. Acknowledging our differences is more important than ever.
The need to see and respect the diversity among us didn't go away now that we can't see each other - in fact, it's been elevated.
So we need to be even more intentional about checking in first because it could really impact someone's reaction to why you are reaching out.
How I'm addressing it:
I'm trying to be more thoughtful, compassionate, and supportive of others than ever before.
I do not ask or expect people to take on new tasks until I've check in with them first about how they are doing. I start many conversations with:
"How are you doing? Is there anything you need or that would be helpful for me to know before we start?"
3. I am spending more time sending gratitude and check-in notes to people, using the two ideas above.
Sending gratitude and check-in notes is something I've always done, especially in more stressful times, but my practice of it has definitely increased.
Many of us have brief moments when thoughts of others come to mind: "I wonder how Charlie is doing.... I hope Carrie is okay." In those moments, sometimes we reach out; other times we're so overwhelmed with our own tasks, the moment passes.
Many of us also have brief moments when feelings of gratitude about our own lives become more clear: "I feel so fortunate to have a healthy family... I feel so grateful to have a place to call home." We may or may not speak these out loud.
What I've noticed myself doing more, however, is being more intentional, active, and using the previous two concepts of prioritizing and appreciating differences.
How I'm addressing it:
I plan a check-in by considering timing, my personal readiness to be supportive, and exactly who might want to hear from me.
If I am in a good headspace to help others, have the time, and am wondering about a specific person, I actively reach out the moment I think of it.
If I’m in a good headspace, have the time, but not sure who might appreciate a check-in that day, I actively visualize and ask myself about groups of people in my life who might appreciate a check-in: “Who do I know might be in a higher risk category? Who may have had a major disruption to their lives?”
If I am overwhelmed and stressed out myself, I do NOT try to also check in with others. I try to take care of my immediate needs first. I'm no help or comfort to others if I'm that preoccupied. Instead, I write it down on my to-do list to check in later.
Finally, I try to limit my check-ins to just 1 or 2 a day. his helps me manage my own stress and ability to support others, and makes me more easily available to provide more if the people I already reached out to would like more time to talk.
Example: The other day, I visualized everyone I knew in my neighborhood. By doing that more intentionally, I realized I hadn't connected in a long time with a family in which both parents were healthcare providers. I wrote myself a note to check in when I was in a good headspace to do it.
My check-ins are specific to their situation. I personally find vague "How are you?" check-ins annoying, so I don't do that to others. I'm clear about why I'm reaching out specifically about them.
I do not ask them to share too much, since I know they might not have the time, energy, or headspace. Instead, I just let them know I am thinking of them. This puts the control in their hands about whether they want to talk more or not at all.
If I think I can truly fulfill the promise, I may also offer to help. But in the spirit of boundary setting, the offer is specific and tries to follow the current local restrictions.
Example: "I was thinking about how you are doing with having young children at home, still needing to go directly into work, and knowing you are also living with someone who is immunocompromised. I just wanted to send you some positive thoughts. If there's anything I can do to help like pick up medicine and drop it off at the house or walk your dog while you are out, please let me know."
Have you had insights on the impact of how this or other crises have brought your priorities into focus or helped you be an even better person in some way? I'd love to hear your stories!