A few months ago, I received several doses of unsolicited feedback from different people and found myself having very different reactions depending on the context. In some cases, I welcomed and appreciated it, and in other cases, I was defensive, hurt, or even angry.

It reminded me of the work I do to help leaders and teams better give and receive feedback. In fact, giving and receiving feedback is probably one of the most common challenges that leaders and teams face.

Why is that?

One reason is that not all feedback is equal or useful. In this post, I will share some best practices for giving feedback.

The relational nature of feedback

We tend to think about feedback only from the perspective of the content or task:

“Fix this thing.”

“Correct that task.”

“Improve this outcome.”

But we lose sight of the fact that feedback is a highly relational endeavor.

When we ignore the level of the relationship, we do not achieve the intended outcome.

So the first thing to consider is the degree of relational separation between you and the receiver of your feedback. Here are some examples of how the degree of relational separation might affect the recipient’s reaction:

1. No direct relationship (e.g., two degrees of separation online):

Feedback: “You should be doing more of [this behavior] and less of [this behavior].”

Receiver’s reaction: Negative. “This is someone who knows nothing about my reasons for doing one thing over another and is judging me.”

2. Direct online connection, but no “real-life” relationship has been established.

Feedback: “You should be doing more of [this behavior] and less of [this behavior].”

Receiver’s reaction: Negative. “This is someone who knows very little about me and is now making global assumptions based on very little data.”

3. Still in the early stages of developing a trusted helping relationship; had some face-time discussions.

Feedback: “You should be doing more of [this behavior] and less of [this behavior].”

Receiver’s reaction: Unsure. “This is someone who doesn’t have the full context of my experiences and background. They may or may not be right about this. I’m not yet sure if I can really trust them. “

4. Direct, real, trusting, helping relationship built over time (e.g., longtime friend, boss, partner, parent, business coach, therapist).

Feedback: “You should be doing more of [this behavior] and less of [this behavior].”

Receiver’s reaction: Positive. “This is someone who knows me, has listened to me, and understands the context. This feedback is hard to receive, but I trust it to be in the service of helping me get better. “

The personal perspective aspect of feedback

In addition to the degree of separation, check the biases or assumptions you might inadvertently be bringing to the conversation.

For example, to this day, women continue to receive regular doses of gender-biased feedback meant to keep them from overstepping the bounds of a “narrow band of acceptable behaviors” by societal standards. (This phenomenon was described by experiences of women in leadership roles in the seminal 1992 book, Breaking the Glass Ceiling.)

Relationship + perspective = more helpful feedback

Keeping those two concepts in mind (the relationship and our biases/perspective), here are a few tips to consider when giving feedback:

Get to know the person well enough or have enough information about the person to provide accurate feedback that avoids making assumptions.
Check yourself. “Is my desire to give them feedback based only on my needs, or is it also in the service of wanting to see them succeed?”
Approach them in a way that you would like to be offered feedback yourself.
Make sure your feedback is not rooted in perpetuating stereotypes or discrimination. For example, ask yourself, “Would I say this same thing to a man?” “Is this just about the fact that English is their second language?”
In the context of work, make sure the feedback is tied to career and organizational outcomes. For example, research has shown that women are more likely to receive feedback that is vague, negatively biased, and less actionable, which further harms their career advancement rather than helping.

One easy takeaway to simplify all of this: Approach with a curious mindset, first asking questions and seeking to understand.

Part 2 of this series: The best practice strategies for seeking and receiving feedback

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Dr. Mira Brancu is co-author of The Millennials’ Guide to Workplace Politics, which includes tips like those above and more.